I don't know if you are struggling as I am. But I have been trying to pretend as if everything is ok. Do you know what I mean. When people ask you how you are doing you reply: "I am doing good" or " I am great" either answer is a lie though. I am deeply depressed and feel very overwhelmed with the fear of not having the control over working. I deeply want a job. I want to work. I want to make a contribution to society. But every time I apply to jobs I am more than qualified for I get no response.
This is very frustrating. But it is also freeing. I have been realizing more and more that God is in control of my life, like it or not. I am slowing giving in to His direction. I don't like where I am but I need to look at what I do have. I have the opportunity right now to bond with my children. I missed out on years of bonding with my first born due to working many hours and running a ministry. But now I am able to walk him to school and pick him up. I am able to hang out with my daughter all day long and not worry about missing out on her first steps or first words.
But I am still depressed cause I am not doing what God made me to do...WORK. I really wish my wife was home to be the mom I know she is. But right now God has her working and me staying home. I don't understand it but I have faith that it is what He wants for us right now. I am still looking for full time work and I won't give up on trying. But I have a better peace when I realized He is the one who needs to have the control, not me. I gave it up to Him.
Of course I still have depression and feel inadequate but I think God wants us to find that low so we can truly give in to Him.
Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)
11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
These verses give me such hope. I know if I put my trust in Him I will succeed. Unfortunately my flesh keeps getting in the way and I get depressed. I feel beat down and I don't want to go on. But then a little glimmer of light breaks through my darkness and I start to feel better. God never lets you down.
Well my journey continues and I am still looking for a full time position. I am praying that God will provide but I also pray that His will be done in my life. If that means I continue at home and my wife continues to work than I have to accept that. But I am doing things now that will help me later. I have recently started school again. I am working towards finishing my Bachelors degree in Christian Studies. This has been an uplift and has given me some goals. I hope you can be encouraged by God's words in Jeremiah.
I hope you see that our misery is only temporary and is really a matter of perspective. God sees our entire lives and has many exciting things planned for us. Sometimes we take a detour or two and need to be put back on the track. That seems to be my life right now. Please keep us in prayer and we would love to pray for you as well. Leave a comment about how my family and I can pray for you in your struggles.
God Bless
